Evening run – 6 miles at 6:54/mile

Fastest EVER pace!

Crushed it!

🙂

Another binge.. but picking myself straight back up

I really want to document this because I seem to be great at giving advice about how not to binge (see my last post!) but then the very same day I decide to hit the chocolate biscuits and fudge between shifts!  I might know all the right things to do but if I’m wanting to sabotage my day and feel like crap then it seems like there’s no stopping me.

I was on my break between my 2 jobs and had just eaten my healthy but substantial and perfectly filling dinner of veggie sausages, mash and beans which I had been looking forward to all afternoon (after having a very healthy day).  I will try to describe what happened.  I finished my dinner and then had the depressing thought that the next thing on the horizon was a busy shift at a restaurant, which I really did not want to go to (only because I felt tired, not because I don’t like the job).  I proceeded to the kitchen, and, desperate to feel a bit happier, I ate a chocolate Club biscuit (130 cals).  This was so enjoyable that I went back and had 2 Oreos.  Then 2 more.  I still felt like I had a pit to fill and by this time my head was diseased with the swarming thoughts of all the food in my kitchen – I shovelled in a small bowl of granola and a few slices of fudge, a spoonful of peanut butter and some popcorn.  By the end of this (about 15 minutes in duration) I felt like absolute shit and didn’t want to go to work even more than before!  And at work I felt really sluggish and crap, like I had this secret and everything felt a bit pointless.  I had to fight hard to be cheerful.

So today I just decided not to worry about it too much – it probably isn’t much worse calorie-wise than eating out in a nice restaurant and enjoying a pudding.  And I had run 5 miles the evening before so maybe my body needed it?  Not that the crap I ate is the ideal go-to for a hungry body.. but hey-ho.  I am generally very good, so shouldn’t over-guilt myself, as it only leads to more bingeing behaviour.  I have slip-ups but if I can keep getting straight back up instead of wallowing, maybe it will become easier.

Friday food, mood, binge urges etc

So I’ve got another busy non-stop work weekend (ice cream shop all day, restaurant shift until midnight) because it’s the prestigious “Round The Island Race” tomorrow, meaning our town is very busy with sailors and visitors.  It’s so important that I keep my diet in check during these busy weekends (I really need to feel good to keep going!)  By the way there’s me in the photo this morning before I started busy day 1 of 3, hello!

I usually find it easy to eat healthy/well during these times (touchwood!) because I’m busy and don’t have the evenings to lay around on the sofa and torture myself with thoughts of what’s in the kitchen.  I find evenings can be the hardest times – hours of laying on the sofa isn’t always the best thing for me! I eat out of boredom, or when I start to feel low – which I sometimes do if there’s nothing on tv and I just lie there, spiralling down, down.  I had the binge urge (wanting to eat crap when I’m not hungry) last night right after I finished my dinner (I know, ridiculous!  Probably the least hungry I’d been all day!) but I know why.  S has gone away for work again and I was looking at 3 hours with no plans, on the sofa, alone. I could feel danger… many a binge has started with “just one biscuit” in an evening when I’m a bit restless.  I wouldn’t mind having just one biscuit but it’s the way my head is, I know it won’t be one biscuit. A panic in my head says “how will I resist all the treats for three hours?” which is just so warped because I’M NOT EVEN HUNGRY! Just take a second to think that through: I’m worried about over-eating but I’m not even hungry.

Last night I made the snap decision to go for a run and I’m so glad I did – I was tired but I felt really good for it – when I got back I was on a high and could lay on the sofa without any thoughts of bingeing – I satisfied my sweet craving with some porridge oats with vegan almond yoghurt, sugar free jam and strawberries/peach and I no longer had any inkling to ruin my good inner feeling by eating crap. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about bingeing it’s this:  when it starts swimming round in your head, combat it by doing something that makes you feel good.  Just get away, go for a run, have a bath, paint your nails, do something.  It will pass but it feeds on you feeling low and is a beast to conquer if you don’t take action.

Incidentally, it’s my cat Miu Miu’s 14th birthday today.  She can sleep all day and leave half her meal untouched!

Right, let’s get down to business. Today I ate:

Breakfast – 35g porridge oats with half an apple, cinnamon and unsweetened almond milk – 200 cals

Lunch – sandwich thin with light cheese slice and light mustard mayo, spinach & beetroot salad, sugar free jelly – 280 cals

Snack – fresh fruit pot (strawberries, peach, blueberries) – 60 cals

Dinner – don’t know yet, maybe veggie sausage, mash, beans – around 500 cals

Total 1040 cals.  Will likely top-up with a snack at midnight as I’m usually ravenous – oats with yoghurt or toast most likely

New Recipe: Mixed Vegetable Bake (300 calories)

Ok, I’ve been a bit depressing with my blog posts lately, and I’d like to turn things around by sharing this fantastic low calorie recipe.  Sounds dull but isn’t.  I found it in my Delia Smith Vegetarian book.  It’s my new go-to for when I want something low calorie but yummy.  It’s basically a bunch of veggies (yep, use whatever needs using up – the more the merrier – as we know veggies are the best friend a calorie counter can have) with a light crème fraiche cheesy sauce.  And baked.  Super easy! Super de-lish!

You need:

Veggies (I used babycorn, broccoli, cauliflower, courgette, mushroom, onion, butternut squash, red pepper, green beans).

Light crème fraiche (2 tbsp.)

Small amount of cheddar/parmesan (I used a low calorie cheddar slice and 20g parmesan.

That’s it!

To make: Preheat your grill.

Cook your veggies as you usually would (I boil or steam) but undercook them if, like me, you like a bit of bite to them (remember they will continue cooking under the grill).  When cooked, drain them and put them in a baking dish, but reserve a splash of the cooking water.  To the hot water add the crème fraiche. Cook a few minutes, then add the cheese.  It will be thin but still yummy.  Pour over the veggies in the dish then top with some parmesan/cheddar (and panko breadcrumbs if you like!) Cook under grill until the cheese browns.

So delicious!  I ate mine with some mashed sweet potatoes but would go with anything – pasta, rice, quinoa etc etc etc etc

Thursday mood, reflections on S being home..

I have to write because I’m feeling down this morning.  I’m really hoping I will feel a bit better after writing.

So S has been back the last 3 nights after working away for 3 weeks.  It was good to be together again but it was hard too – we had a row yesterday.  He’s just left again for another 5 nights away.  In terms of my eating, something slightly odd happened.  I was quite concerned about turning to food for comfort while he was away, so I blogged a lot and put a lot of effort in to eating well, which I achieved – I ate better than I have in, well, probably years.  I felt great and after a few days it became easy – I was making lots of lovely meals, loads of vegetables, beans, fruit, seeds – and very little cravings for sugar/fat.  The weekend before his return I became anxious and my healthy eating went out the window.

We run a business together and have always clashed a bit on making decisions, which is why I think him working away a bit with another project is really good for us.  Our arguments are always about the business (an ice cream parlour) and I was pretty nervous about him doing a shift there yesterday (this was the first time I’ve had to run the place on my own – and it was for 3 weeks!) – as he usually has a negative reaction (says I didn’t clean well enough, forgot to do A,B and C).  In the past I probably have been the least “into it” of the two of us – and taken more of a back seat on decision making etc – but partly because I got tired of arguing about every little detail.  We ran it together for 6 years and had a lot of arguments – in the end I decided to let him have the “final say” on things and I would back down unless I felt incredibly strongly about something, it just seemed better for us, our relationship is more important to me than getting to decide what colour to paint the cupboards!  As a result he has taken the view that I am not putting 100% into it anymore.  Which was probably true, but really I felt a bit pushed out, I didn’t feel there was room for both of us to get our way.  But things have changed now, he is away a lot so I have completely re-evaluated my position – the shop is my business now, I have to be responsible and run it to the best of my abilities, getting there early, leaving it immaculate, making sure every customer is happy and that I remember to order everything we need etc.  I also learned to do the accounts (which he always did before) and clean all the machinery.  I can say without doubt that I have put 100% into it these last few weeks, I enjoy it, I feel proud of it and I really wanted S to be proud of me too, and shake his attitude that I am half-arsed about it.

So I was nervous but excited about him going down to do a shift, I had worked hard to get everything immaculate, organised, topped up – I had so many things to remember but I was very organised and confident that he would be pleased with me.  However, I must have been worried about it because my diet went out the window just before his return.    My diet is always a symptom of what is really going on.  And guess what happened?  He was furious.  I popped down to drop off some fudge for the shop that I had spent all morning making, and he couldn’t even look at me.  He was angry.  When I asked him what he was so cross about, he said the tape on the cardboard (you have to stick some tape on before you put it out to be collected) wasn’t stuck on straight, and there was dust on the side out the back in the staff bit where a plumber had done some work the day before.  I can’t remember if there was anything else.  But they were ridiculous things.  I became so indescribably upset and frustrated and gave him a speech about how hard I work and how I didn’t deserve this.  I felt so horrid, I drove away and really wanted to crash into someone, I was so livid.  I was crying a lot, he tried to call me and left me messages saying that he was really sorry.

Anyway, for the rest of the day (yesterday) he was really apologetic to me, said he knew he had been completely out of order, that I had done a great job, that he is a control freak etc.  He did the whole day in the end to make it up to me, so that I could have a rest and lay in the garden.  He has this small part of his personality that is like this (control freak, unreasonable) but it just comes now and then.  The rest of the time he is a different person.  I’ve always found it very confusing and stressful to deal with, but had thought that we had pretty much sorted out this kind of behaviour and that lately we have been more respectful to each other.  Before we went to sleep last night he said “I love you so much, I’m so sorry about today, I wish I could take it back.  I know you work really hard, and you didn’t deserve any of that today.”

I don’t know where to go from here.  He’s just gone again for 5 nights, and I have a really busy work weekend ahead where I’m in the shop all day then restaurant shifts at night.  I feel blue and need to sort my eating out too – last few days I’ve been not eating then over-eating, it’s all over the place.  I just want to feel better.  I know he says he didn’t mean any of it but my self-confidence is pretty low now and I feel under-appreciated.  Isn’t it weird that I did really well with my eating while he was away but then it all went to shit when he was back?

What I Ate Wednesday

Breakfast – small bowl of overnight oats (2 spoons) with low fat natural yoghurt and strawberries – 150 cals

Lunch – porridge with half a banana and tsp natural peanut butter (I know, porridge again – had no appetite after having a row with my boyfriend, didn’t fancy anything proper) and bowl of fresh fruit – 320 cals

Afternoon snacks – bbq rice cake and Go Ahead fruit bar – 130 cals

Dinner plan: veggie burger in low calorie sandwich thin with corn on the cob and salad – around 500 cals

Total: 1100 cals

Wednesday weigh-in, food, mood etc

Weigh-in: 7st 13.5 (111.5lb)

Last weigh in I was 1lb lighter, and I hoping to lose again after a great start to the week, but then I had a poor 3 days where I slipped, spiralled, and stopped worrying about what I was eating.  That in mind, gaining 1lb isn’t too awful, and I’m glad to have stayed under 8 stone.  Also, I ran 6 miles last night and it totally re-set me – no urge to over-eat today. 🙂

I had a row with my boyfriend which really sucks because he goes away again tomorrow.  I might do another post on this tomorrow if I think it will help to go into it.  I don’t know.  I seem to have lost my appetite instead of hitting the snacks for comfort so at least that’s something.

A brilliant run…

I managed to drag myself out for a run after a few days of on/off bingeing and feeling crappy – I only ran my fastest EVER time! I ran 6 miles at an average pace of 6:59 minutes a mile! I’ve never gone under 7 mins/mile before even on a short run, my usual is about 7:40! It was hard but I felt my fight come back, running really is the sport for me – now I feel great. Running is always the answer – I don’t run for a few days and I start to feel lazy and then I start over-eating.  I must use my exercise and diet in harmony – one doesn’t work very well without the other, but when I’m working at both, it’s a recipe for happiness. 🙂

I want to blog about how well I’m doing, but I’m not

I was getting such a high and felt so great from eating clean, so don’t ask me why I’m sabotaging it now.  I must want to feel crappy.  I blogged about my binge day on Friday, then used all my strength to break the cycle on Saturday (which I did), I woke up Sunday feeling heroic that I was back on track, then Sunday night after a big roast and cake at my dad’s, I got home and ate chocolate, crisps, cereal and toast.  By the end I wasn’t even tasting, I wasn’t even registering what I was doing, I was so full but I kept eating, it made no sense.  It’s like I’m resigned to it and have no strength to fight.  I don’t know.  Today should have been breaking the cycle again, but I’ve been naughty, after my healthy lunch and fruit snacks I ate chocolate and ice cream.  What is with me?  I was so worried about eating lots while S was away, I did a lot of blogging about it which made me feel strong and I did really well.  Tonight he is back and I choose now to eat?  I suppose it’s like a release of pressure, if I’m honest I feel relieved that I got through the 3 weeks working every day and being on my own – so now I feel like I’m “celebrating”.  But that’s bollocks because why wouldn’t I wait til he’s actually back to indulge?  And why am I “celebrating” by hanging about in the kitchen on a Sunday night eating when I’m not hungry?  I didn’t feel like blogging about this because I’m ashamed, I want to be able to say I’m eating well and feel great – but the truth is I feel weak, I’m losing my confidence, I keep vowing to sort it out but then as soon as I’m the slightest bit hungry in the afternoon (I had got used to hunger pangs – it meant I was really going to enjoy my dinner!) I’m getting myself a bowl of fudge ice cream with hot fudge sauce.  It’s bloody awful!  Anyway, I know what I need to do, I know what the answer is, I’m just being gross and lazy and choosing not to make the effort.  If I want to feel good again I need to get back on the healthy eating wagon.  I’m not on it at the moment, that’s for sure.  I’m laying in a ditch in the sun with my ice cream, watching the wagon roll by.

Yesterday: a complete wash-out :(

Yesterday was a bad food day for me.  I really need to write about it to get rid of it.  I don’t know what happened – I had various stresses but nothing that serious, and I can’t blame the stresses for it because I’ve had worse plenty of times and not turned to food.  I don’t know where it came from.  I just felt negative and shitty.  And the urge to eat naughty stuff came creeping over me, and I gave in pretty easily.  I’m pretty disappointed.

On top of my designated healthy food for the day, I ate:  about 4 scoops of ice cream through the afternoon (one with fudge sauce) and a chocolate dipped cone, then late at night after work (when I should have gone to sleep) I had some crisps, a piece of peanut butter on toast and a wrapped chocolate biscuit.  Total extra calories (on top of my daily food): around 1200-1400.  It doesn’t sound quite so horrendous reading it back now, but I felt really out of control, and I thought I was over doing the whole eating-when-I’m-not-even-hungry thing?  It was a horrible day, I couldn’t stop thinking about food and I haven’t felt like that in months.  The big worry when it happens is: how long is this going to last?  Is that the end of my healthy eating?  What if I do it again tomorrow?  How can I stop this?  (Oh, I’ll have another scoop of ice cream because I don’t know the answer).

I woke up feeling a bit low/guilty/disappointed and had food straight away in my head.  It’s like I’ve weakened the will power muscle and it takes more strength than usual to do the healthy thing.  But.  I know that if I don’t nip it in the bud straight away I’m going to be seriously miserable.  And that if I don’t stop it today, it’s going to be even harder tomorrow. And 5x harder the next day. So here we are, it’s lunch time and I’m about to have my healthy lunch.  It’s been a struggle all morning but I’ve got to get through today.  Then I’ll be fine once I’ve got it behind me – tomorrow will be easier.  And I can think I just had an unusually hungry day yesterday.  Last summer I would have a healthy week then an unhealthy week, like a yo-yo.  I’ve had a healthy month then a bad day.  That’s a better ratio.  Fingers crossed for no more stupid posts like this again for a while.